Some days I am struck by overwhelming doubt. Doubt is an old, and all-to familiar friend of mine. I doubt the kind of person I have been, and the person I have become. I doubt the choices I have made, and my ability to make better ones in the future. I doubt my ability to truly love or to be loved by others. Some days I doubt my strength to continue fighting through this anxious life of mine, when there just seems to be no respite from it all.
This Doubt that consumes me is a relentless bully, determined to tell me that I am not good enough, and can never be anyone. It reminds me of every mistake I have ever made, and instills into me that I will always be the timid and frightened little girl I once was.
This weekend, I have thought a lot about this self Doubt of mine, and actually it occurred to me just how ignorant a bully it truly is.
You see, when I look back on my life, I can see so much darkness. I can see so many times where my world was falling apart beneath my feet. The cracks in my life have been enormous at times, and I have fallen through them more times that I would like to admit. I look back and see times when I was naive, and gullible. I see times when I was deeply afraid and weak. There are periods I recall where I was heart broken and soul destroyed.
There were some times when I was penniless with nowhere to turn, and no one to ask for help. There were days when I sobbed myself to sleep, and there were days when I was completely lost in my life. There were times when I has hanging on by a thread, wondering whether there was any real point in continuing to cling on.
But do you know what? After every single one of these dark days, weeks, months and years, I stood back up on to my feet, and no matter how battered, exhausted and broken I was, I kept on going. I continued on my journey through this life, even though it has continuously proven to be a painful path.
No matter how disappointed in my life I have felt, I have still made it my life goal to spread positivity to others, and encourage people to follow their hearts and their dreams. No matter how many times my dreams have been shattered, I still believe there is a path for everyone, and that we will all find true joy if we continue to follow them.
After every heartbreak I have endured, I still believe in true love. No matter how I have been treated, I still strive to see the good in everyone I meet, and believe every person has the ability to be good and kind if they choose to be. No matter how much I have doubted myself, I still believe in people.
No matter how financially broke I have been, I have still always been there to support my friends and family, and have kept my door open to them any time of day or night. I have always maintained that “I may not have much, but what I do have I will share with you”. Even when I am not rich, I still am generous always, and would rather spend my money to help someone else than to help myself.
And whilst I cannot change the fact that my life has not always been easy, (in fact, it has been really difficult and trying at times), and I cannot change where I have been, I can absolutely decide where I want to go. I still have a choice about how I choose to live my life, and I repeatedly choose to keep on fighting through, to keep on smiling, and to continue dedicating my life to loving others; to spreading love and kindness at every given opportunity.
So you see, Doubt…you have spent all this time convincing me that I will never be good enough, but I suddenly realise that in fact I am already good enough! I always have been! I am resilient, I am compassionate and through every negative experience, I have still remained positive and optimistic.
I am proud of the woman I am, and the journey I have taken to get here has made me stronger than I ever believed I could be.
And to those of you reading, please try to remind yourselves of how far you have come. Remember to give yourself credit for getting back on to your feet no matter how weak they felt. Remember to focus on how you make others feel and how much we can all offer to this world of ours, if only we try.
Remember to be proud of yourself. You are worthy of your own pride, confidence and self esteem. You are your own worst critic, and so if you can start to recognise how much you have to feel proud of, just imagine the light that will beam off of you for all others to see.
I am proud. Proud of me, proud of you, and proud of everyone who continues to stand back up, dust themselves off, and keep on going.
Sending love and positivity.