We have all heard people talk about being alone in a room full of people. It is something that is often spoken about in movies, books and songs. But what does it truly feel like to experience this kind of loneliness?
This is something I experience often, and on my darker days it can be completely consuming. I have a big, close-knit family, and the best friends I could ever wish for. And yet, when I find myself feeling incredibly low, it seems as though I have absolutely no one I can speak to. No one to reach out to. Not because I don’t physically have anyone around me who would listen to me and support me, but simply because my anxiety goes into overdrive at the very thought of speaking honestly to the people around me about just how low I feel sometimes.
So instead of talking about it, I have often found myself attending social event after social event, smiling, laughing, and doing my best to look incredibly happy. And all the while, I have felt as though I was drowning inside.
You see, being alone in a room full of people is comparable to an out of body experience. It is as though my lonely soul is watching from outside the window, envying this confident, fun woman have an incredible time. It cannot recognise this woman. It longs to be this woman. It longs to smile her smile. It is desperate to escape the storm outside and come inside to the warm. And yet, there it stays. Just watching. Just waiting.
I recently came across a beautiful song by Fleurie, titled “There’s a Ghost”, and actually it brought a tear to my eye, as it so accurately describes this feeling with the following opening lyrics:
“There’s a ghost, she’s wearing my face.
At parties being introduced with my name.
Just a skeleton of bones, wearing nothing but clothes,
And she is paralysing.”
It is important for us all to remember that sometimes the people that smile the most, are in the most pain. Sometimes the people that laugh the loudest are holding back floods of tears. Sometimes the people who support others the most, are most in need of support for themselves. Sometimes, the people that are always surrounded by people, are the very loneliest of all.
Until next time.